This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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