If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
