i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
