3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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