just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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