he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
