i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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