I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
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The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
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