He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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