he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
