Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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