Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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