You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
