she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
