if i died would you start the facebook group?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
