I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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