i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
