I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
