i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
