I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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