i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
