Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
