my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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