I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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