at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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