those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Four minutes until I can fart!
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Randomize
