I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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