11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
