I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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