I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
