my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
