what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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