be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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