Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You have to summon your inner elephant
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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