I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
