One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
