I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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