She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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