Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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