apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Randomize
