Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
