why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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