apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
