You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
