oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
