I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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