I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
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i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
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I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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