last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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