there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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