I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
