wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
