3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize