dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
