also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
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