I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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