I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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